LoL

Trying to be happy is worst than being sad.
You're trying so hard and you know that you're not better off in any ways making it worst.
It's just uncontrollable. Sometimes, it is so natural that we would take initiative to cure ourselves.
Sadness in fact, takes time to recover. But the time which is spent on doesn't worth at all. I believe I will get good return by enduring. Its not bout days, its not about months, its about years already....

nothing left.

When every single thing is going against you, there's no point living anymore.
When every single thing continue to go against you, there's no point enduring cause enduring the pain will cause greater pain...
Do you know how I feel?
I feel like there's nothing for me to lean on anymore...
The loneliness is really deep down from my heart....
It's worst than Armageddon!!!

. . .

When you breath the air without any feelings,
it is an indication that you've reach a dull point in your life.
When you release the ball from your hands without any feelings,
it is an indication that you've lost hope in this world,
There are various indications that I am really giving up slowly...
I have really no motivation in life anymore...
Simply speaking, I used to have feelings back then, but no much,
However, I am dull, I didn't know why I had to laugh, perhaps not letting those around me turn off?
Perhaps one day I shall leave them all by themselves and isolate myself...smiling all the way through in life without a reason...

*.*

My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow.

behavioral shift

Waking up early is not too bad for a day.
However, it was mean to just walk out of class just like that when you have responsibility to guide your students in their unit. Well, when a person has some authority in his field, he can actually cause a behavioral shift to his/her subordinates somehow with the condition of existence of incentive by his/her subordinates. My conjecture is that everyone will be prepared to go for their tutorial next week. At at minimal point that they will just bump it through giving illogical ideas. For me, I am always armed its just that I don't feel like giving out points and ideas( participate). Somehow, I am also influenced by the incentive to change my behavior since this is my final semester. In today's event, I've learned not to abuse authority if I am given the authority to do something.Maybe in his point of view, he is trying to help students to improve their communication skills. For me, I am still okay, just a little traumatised by his actions.

= .

Sitting in front of the screen doing nothing..
Tried to study but nothing was materialized..
Looking at the screen waiting for replies.
When things come, they came in an abundant manner.
When they leave, they left all together in the same manner,
leaving behind nothing..
This time I really would say ..I totally give up everything and get a new life...
I hate this...I feel like a puppet; not in reality but in my inner world..
Does life really have to feed me this?
I amend this, there is no lemon and lemonade.
Perhaps it is fictitious lemon that I get.

~.~'

I experienced the impact already. I feel different, I feel lonely especially when I am actually not supposed to be lonely. The loneliness is horrible. Life which is full with activities but cannot cure any fraction of my loneliness. Brighter future which is exchanged with loneliness. Anyone who can save me? No one I think. Perhaps loneliness will just be my friend and loneliness would save me at the end. Its not so sad being lonely, at least you share your loneliness alone with your shadows, provided you have shadows.

8

Sometimes its really pointless for explanations to exist because explanations will not help at all. It is just rationalizing the actions that I made. But I believe myself that my actions were for the better good.. I will not let you guys down.... and I am sorry....truly sorry....who might know I will soon to have the greatest impact internally... but my mask is ready by my side, so no worries.

Alteration again?

I've notice that I became more wicked and sly.. perhaps for survival?
I seriously do not prefer to change.. Maybe I should talk less.
Wicked in the sense that my speeches sometimes are offensive towards others. Deep inside my heart I don't mean that. Whoever who was concerned, I am truly sorry.
I will speak less as time goes by.
There's something missing somewhere, I am quite certain bout that. I hate that feeling very much...
Should I really alter for the better good?

= (

At one point when I review pictures of my past, I couldn't hold my tears back...

- . - (2)

Finally, I've passed the hurdle where I need to finish the last one. No distractions! I am able to do it. For the first time, I am not aiming that high because I know it's not achievable. I can just wade through when the water level is between high and low. Perhaps, what I can do is just maintain but not try hard. I need to preserve my life for better good.
In life, I really need to learn how to appreciate but not expecting more and more. I know currently I am not able practice what I said, but I am really gonna try. That's the difference between a religious person and a non religious person I believe.

Sometimes, I really feel "=.=" when someone did something really "=.=" and I know "=.=" is really "=.="..

-

If you really know my name, please guide me.. I am waiting..

- . -

I am really sorry that I couldn't help.
Remember, I will not always be there to help. Be wise always and manage your budget well. I really wanted to help but things never worked out nicely. We each have our life that we have to manage it properly. Do not deviate too much from the ideal life, that's sufficient enough....remember what I said..Its really fundamental...

- Weak -

I am just so weak, barely surviving...
To strive for a better future, my personality has to be altered in many ways.
This is the part I hate the most. Again, there are always tradeoffs in between the line. How fortunate it is if the tradeoff practice doesn't exist.
It's so sad putting on fake mask whenever I go. I hate competition.. competition is driving me crazy. I learned my lesson....