- . . . . (2) -

I hate it especially when you need me, you urgently find me!
I am not a fool... but I was willing to be a fool, and yet I am trying so hard not to be a fool, but the fact is I am a fool..

- . . . . -

Sad. I am very sad.
Depressed. I am very depressed.
Angry. I am very angry.
What can I do? Facing loneliness deep inside from the bottom of my heart..
I can rely on no one anymore...Its just all about myself...
Sometimes, the truth is just so real but actually it is a fake truth, I know that..
I tried to be optimistic, but if the truth is not towards the optimistic side, what's the point of being optimistic. Even if you try to best and fly to the sky, it will never happen. So why try so hard to fly? The social force is just too cruel...
I wanted to mix, but what's left behind will never be in front (unless what's left behind has legs).People try to best to be smart, I am trying even harder to be ignorant, and it just cant happen.. can you feel how I feel?

.

Really giving up already...
Every move constitutes to a different checkmate...
I really don't know what to do and who to talk to anymore..

- post modern thinking -

After so long ...
I tried so hard, but it is still the same old me, just in different direction.
Well, ignorance is not a defense in the eyes of law?Yes, I definitely agree with that.
Well, in real life, ignorance is the best defense. Harmful events arise when someone knows more than what he/she should know. So, try your best to be ignorant. Some people are just overly confident in themselves and they do things in their way. What I can say is they are living in a "correct" way. Well, "correct" means its really correct. Why suffer in life? I would rather live a life that is clouded by fake notions and thoughts. Nothing harmful will appear on my path to death. 60 years of happiness is definitely better than 60 years of torture. People work so hard to be successful. To me, I work hard just to fulfill some of the things I have to fulfill. And now, I know that my thinking is already rusty, not as dangerous as before, it is a good thing for me. Knowing less, more happiness in life..

Reality

Reality is definitely cruel.
When people need you, they seek for your help.
When you helped them with open heart, they will not care about you as soon as you helped them with their difficulties. I do not need any returns from my help; but at least, you should do what you should do to minimize my problems.
Problems arise as soon as I helped you and you just turned your head away when I am having problems after solving yours. Is this what we should do? Seriously, I am getting more bored with this world.
This is called selfishness.
Well, you put yourself and friends as top priority, but me?I am just a foolish person to help you out..I promise, this is the last time I will help you... this is getting too much... I am helpful towards some people who are willing to help themselves, but not a total leecher which did not even try to help yourself!
When you do not have the capacity to do something, please do not do!
You are doing it on others' expense!

- 13.07.2010 -

Some people really take things for granted..
You caused those shits, and yet you want people to clean up those shits you caused without putting any effort. Imagine how stupid is the person running the errand for you and you do not even contribute a single shit in the errand. If you are helping others, and others treat you like that, do you feel good? Seriously, think in depth. This is seriously annoying..this kind of attitude sucks badly....

- 14, 06. 2010 -

Although there are 2 papers left, I feel disappointed and sad. Contractual duties and obligations are so important that it would determine whether the sea is calm or otherwise. Well, what I can say is do not really expect anything from people. I look forward for a life which will not be affected by any person or people.. I want my own life.. Why I have to attend classes everyday and revise regularly? This is not current obligation but this is future obligation I foresee. Seriously, I wont be doing all those sufferings and shits. I can easily pass with minimal effort. Why I struggle so hard? Its a fact that I see things differently from every angle and different perspective. I've changed to a new person for God's sake. Can you really see what type of person I am now? I guess you can't! What you know is not what you understand. You understand nothing in fact. Try and think in depth what I told you. If you can really relate them to my intention, you will definitely see my vision in life. My life has no value at all. I am working so hard for YOU! Seriously, I don't mind dying. Dying is a bliss to me. Before I could go... I've changed, but deep inside, I am still the same. Looking forward for 30-40 years where my end point will be waiting. Most people, they are so ignorant.. they know nothing... They can't see the whole picture.. They just care about their personal interest. Why must I have a share of sympathy and anger in you all? I am trying hard to understand this world but in the end, I know nothing about this world. Mentality is what I would like to emphasize. You can be a doctor,lawyer,accountant or engineer, but what's the fucking point if you have zero mentality. . .

- God, if you hear me, grant me a peaceful death where I am not liable to anything before and after my death -